Coping with an Alcoholic Parent

It is difficult growing up with an alcoholic parent. The bible holds out a clear vision of how a marriage and family should be.

However, according to the World health Organization in 2018 there are globally an estimated 237 million men and 46 million women who suffer from alcohol-use disorders with the highest prevalence among men and women in the European region.

This translates to many homes having an alcoholic parent and about 2 to 4 children per family having to deal with this issue. If we use the 283 million alcoholics as being parents then at least 560 million children have an alcoholic parent.

Anyone who has an alcoholic parent knows two things. The parent addicted to alcohol is a dysfunctional person, and that they, the children, are affected in different ways by this.

Alcoholic parents have no stability in their behavior. When sober they can be loving principled, disciplined committed people. But when they drink they become the opposite. Alcoholic parents can verbally abuse their spouse and children leading to a culture of resentment and bitterness.

They can physically abuse their children and spouses and cause fear and anger. They can lose their jobs and houses leading to instability for the children who have to move to new houses, schools and even onto the streets.

God shows us His pattern for men, " God’s steward, must be blameless, not self-willed, not quick-tempered, not addicted to wine, not violent, not greedy for dishonest gain [but financially ethical]. Titus 1:7 AMP

Children of alcoholics often experience violence, anger, and financial dysfunction and the emotional and mental disadvantages these bring low self esteem, and social embarrassment and rejection.

According to the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation children of alcoholics are about four times more likely than the general population to develop alcohol problems. Children of alcoholics also have a higher risk for many other behavioral and emotional problems."

"Adult children of alcoholics may feel the fear, anxiety, anger and self-hatred that lives on from their childhood. They might notice the old coping mechanisms and behaviors leaking out in adulthood—the people-pleasing, controlling behavior, approval-seeking, or judgment of self and others."

The children of alcoholic parents can feel socially inferior and suffer imagined rejection and shame. These children may be born again and love Jesus, be filled with the Spirit, yet suffer greatly because of the effect of the parents' alcoholism on their lives.

God designed different family units. In the animal kingdom a tortoise lays its eggs and leaves. The young hatch and grow without parents. However, a lion cub is born and is dependent on its parents. In particular the parents hunt for the food the cub eats. Later the parents teach the cubs how to hunt. A dysfunctional lion parent will condemn their cub to death. The cub only learns to hunt from its parents.

In the human family, God designed a father and mother should raise their children. Both the father and mother have a role to play to bring the child to successful adulthood. If a parent is dysfunctional then the child will be damaged in some way, and be less than Gods intended best. Not through the child's fault but because of the parenting the child received.

The father is to be the head of the family providing the leadership in the family and modeling an example for his children to follow.

"But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God."

1 Corinthians 11:3 NIV

How he treats his wife will influence how his son will treat women. The mother will respect her husband and model respect for her children towards authority..

Love will flow from the husband and father modeling how his sons must love their wives.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Ephesians 5:25 NIV

Now when the man sets no leadership modeling how does his sons learn to lead and to love? If the wife dies not model respect, where do the children learn how to respect authority?

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Ephesians 5:25 NIV

If the father models responsibility in finances ensuring the family is cared for then the family will live within its means, and so will the children's future families.

This is vital. "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

1 Timothy 5:8 NIV

There are different causes to alcoholism. Not all alcoholics are party drunks. Many are quiet solitary drinkers who stay sober for months and even years, then they succumb to binge drinking that destroys and disrupts their lives, relationships, financial security and social acceptance for them and the family.

Jesus is mindful of the potential 560 million children of alcoholics.

First understand that you are not alone. As I grew up with a parent who was a secret alcoholic and drinker I felt I was especially cursed. None of my friends had an alcoholic parent that I was aware of. So I was alone in this mess. By teenage it affected my relationships. I kept school friends at arm's length. I did not want them visiting my home in case they saw a drunk parent staggering around in the middle of the day.

I had difficulty getting close to girls and dating them. I figured if they or their parents knew my parent was an alcoholic I would be rejected. I lost hope that I would ever find a woman prepared to marry me because I felt my parent’s alcoholism disqualified me from being an eligible bachelor. I imagined them being told "You can't marry him because his parent is an alcoholic." So I imagined rejection and avoided intimacy.

I was saved but my self esteem was rock bottom and I had a derp rejection complex. God had a solution.

First he assured me that He loved me, accepted me, and did not hold my parents weakness against me. In fact He chose my parents.

Jeremiah was clearly told

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5 NIV

There was no accident random lotto of pregnancy. "Before I formed you in the womb"….means He chose the womb!

David wrote clearly stating his life in the womb was filled with God…

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be"

Psalms 139:13‭, ‬15‭-‬16 NIV

So God chose my mother and father deliberately. If one was an alcoholic, so be it.

One baby was born from the womb of an adulteress, and the seed of an adulterer and murderer.. that baby was Solomon, who became the greatest king of Israel, and built God's temple. Look at the womb he came from!

So if you come from an alcoholic parent you are uniquely known and created by God for His purpose! You may get some negative mental issues from them, but He will heal you from them. Solomon did not live in the shadow of being the adulteress's son and murderer's son. He stepped out as Gods chosen and gifted. His wisdom blessed the known world, and his writings still shape the lives of millions.

It took some time for God to sort out the next issue. I hated my parent because of their alcoholism. All I saw was how it negatively affected me. As a teen I was self conscious, wanted to be accepted h my peers.

I was at a private school, and I was academically strong and generally enjoyed my school years. I participated in sports and excelled in swimming. I also played rugby in the A team, and participated in what was called "cross country" running. I enjoyed this even though I was not the front runner. Finally, I started equestrian lessons at 11 and continued until I was 17. My main hobbies were reading and pigeon racing.

But in the background was always the fear of the alcoholism being discovered by my school friends, so I never invited them home.

I left school and began to use drugs. I think what drew me to this were the people. Those using drugs all had difficult family backgrounds in some way or another. So I felt even if the alcoholism came out, there would be no rejection by these friends.

The day came when Jesus stepped into my life and I was born again. I followed him into baptism and was filled with the Spirit, spoke in tongues and met a small apostolic community. They believed in the gospel being the power of God for wholeness to those who believed. God was about to make me whole.

It consciously started happening when I was gathered with my family and having a barbecue lunch. After eating we were sitting together in the living room. My parent made a comment about alcohol that angered me. So because I was a Christian I suppressed my anger, and stood up and said " Look at the time! I must go". I then said goodbye and went to the car and drove off. I was feeling pleased with myself for not making a scene.

The next day the Holy Spirit seemed especially real and close. I went into my room to pray and suddenly the presence I felt left. I prayed " Lord what happened? Why did you withdraw your presence?" After a few minutes I saw in my mind the episode at my sister's house. I saw us as we were in the living room. I saw my parent make the comment, and then I saw me get angry, suppress it and leave. Then it was replayed. This time I saw Jesus there and when the comment was made he smiled compassionately, then He went to my parent and gave a big compassionate hug.

I was confused. He had compassion for the parent who caused me so much distress not for me who suffered. I hate anger, bitterness, even hate. I also realized how shallow my reaction had been. True I had not exploded in anger, but I had felt angry about it and left the family gathering because of it. I now repented for my shallowness . Then I realized the truth that the alcoholic needed compassion, and they had never intended to hurt me.

Romans flashed in my mind,

"For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do Romans 7

I realized alcoholics were in captivity, bound to an addiction which they hated, but could not control.

"For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing." Romans 7

I started weeping for my parent asking God for mercy for my callous disregard to their pain and struggle. I understood their humiliation being an alcoholic, their rejection they got from society. I wept for my parent’s hurt. I realized my rejection had hurt my parent.

The Holy Spirit continued. He showed how my sin was greater. This parent had insisted I was raised in the church, went to a private school and had supported my academic education. This parent was bound, shackled by a power, and it was never a decision "let's drink and wreck my childrens' lives" but rather

"what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do"

Romans 7

This flashed into my mind in minutes, and then over the days, weeks, months and years I began to unpack it and it transformed me. I saw the difference when the next time the parent " fell off the wagon". I willingly went to the city where she lived. There I got required medical treatment, ensured rent and accounts were paid and stayed there till the binge was over.

Some time later I drove over back to visit. I asked forgiveness for my attitude, for the pain I had inflicted by my words and rejection. I expressed gratitude for all the good done for me in my life. I was so released and had no bitterness left. I was filled with love and compassion.

Jesus had transformed me by the renewing of my mind. I was saved, but angry bitter hurt plagued by memories that created self pity. He gave me a vision of what I should be, and should have done. Once I saw that my mind transformed me until I became that.

My parent wrote to me one day and said, " I am in love, I know what you have been talking about. I am in love with Jesus!" And began to share how He revealed Himself, and how He broke the alcoholism. The next 20 years were lived sober, and free from the craving too. Whom the Son sets free is free indeed.

I share this to point out two things. If you are the child of an alcoholic and have been damaged and wounded in your spirit by having an alcoholic parent Jesus can transform you by the renewing of your mind.

Second, if you are an alcoholic he can heal you, release you from the very craving, and restore your relationships with family, friends and society.

The bible speaks to this conflict of craving,

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I, myself, who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. Romans 7:15‭-‬20 NIV

But there is good news. The Holy Spirit will give victory both to the alcoholic and the child who is hurt.

For the law of the life-giving Spirit in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:2

There is total freedom from the craving, the power that makes us sin. The Holy Spirit also works the negative effects for good. "And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose," Romans 8:28

What good came out of it for me? It taught me compassion for those who are in bondage instead of condemnation and rejection. I am able to bring God's love. Be blessed

Copyright © Simon Peter Mugridge Bishop